Need to get back on track... totally fell off the wagon!!

WHAT THE FUCK!!! seriously... what the fuck is going on with me... anyone?? I've lost it completely, maybe I've gone mad but blah.. I just dont know whats wrong with me anymore... what the hell happened.... I've lost all interest in dieting.. maybe because half the time I dont stick to it and half the time I give up and half the time im just to lazy to give a fuck about what im eating if that makes any sense, I havnt been working out hence the reason I just quit me gym membership cause I never go.. Ive been eating shit lately, really not giving a fuck..

now and then Ive been purging but honestly.. theres no point! im seriously thinking bout just eating whatever the fuck I want and the purging it all, but even then sometimes i eat myself into a coma and think ... hmm i should go throw up but nooooo too fucking lazy to even do that!!

I really dont know what to do with myself anymore, im a big fat mess, the girl i work with is way skinnier than me and I hate it!! i saw it today when she wore a really tight top and i immediately felt like throwing up my lunch, which in fact was the first time i went to try and throw up at work....and i couldnt do it

I just ate a whole block of chocolate.. i feel like im never gonna be skinny...ever!!! Ive been thinking, maybe I'll write up a plan again and start next week or tomorrow whatever.. i dont know anymore i just feel like shit and its mid septemer... summer will be here in a few months and Im still a fat 65KG whale... probably more, god knows I havnt weighed myself in 2 months cause i dont have any scales or working scales that is..

everyone keeps telling me ohh youve lost so much weight... YEAH WELL GUESS WHAT!! THAT WAS HALF A YEAR AGO!!!!

on another note Im back with Beau again and completly fucked Pat off cause his a massive loser and I just cant stand controlling people and he annoys me and sooo I just told him to fuck off... literally, I said what i did with him has been the biggest mistake of my life... he tried to make me feel bad by saying, ohhh I hope you didnt think I liked you cause i was sleeping with 3 other girls.... OH REALLY NOW?? is that why you called me every night and wanted to see me every day after work and tried to make me come over to your place every single wknd.. yeahh!! pffftt he totally had time to sleep with other girls.. blah I liked him for about 2 weeks max.. thats when I knew where my heart was.. :) and also Beau cheated on me with some slut when he went to another state but i dont care we forgave each other and agreed to forget about it all...

anyway sorry if my language is really offensive and angry but im just so pissed with myself... i need to find my feet again! sooon!!! very soon!!!