Am I ever going to get this right??

Today was such a.... waste of making food enter my body day! I wasnt hungry all day yet I ate, and by ate I meant ATE.. This morning I woke up (well technically I didnt go to sleep Thursday night at all) so say I got out of bed at 6am did a 30min workout on TV, I did 15 mins and almost past out so I stopped and drank some water had a shower and did the next one at 6:30am which went well, I cant believe i almost fainted, That was so scary, i've never felt like that before, I could hear my heart pound in my chest, my whole body started shaking and I got so dizzy I had to lie down for a few minutes DAMN! anyway, I fell asleep at 8:30am until 1ish then went for a 30min walk round the neighbourhood with my little brother tagging along on his scooter. Today was going so well, i didn't eat a thing and I wasnt even hungry but then when I got home after my walk I jut made myself an omelette for no reason at all how stupid of me, I weighed 76.2kgs this morning then I had to wreck it, the omelette was about 60 cals (2egg whites 10-20g of spinach,capsicum, mushrooms and half a teaspoon of light cream cheese) then had a 16 cal coffee. didnt need to eat that but i did WTF, I wanted to purge so badly but I couldnt cause mum was all walking over the house and wanted me to go shopping with her for dads fathers day gift, then we went to clothing stores and she asked me to grab a few tops or something for myself, but i didnt get anything I dont want to buy new clothes until I'm 70kgs at least so i got another gym bra instead.

Then B came round and decided he cant be fucked going to the gym, I kinda started feeling dizzy again and no amount of water helped so I didnt go,I slept for about an hour instead, I know I know I'm so bad. its been 10 days!! i keep saying tomorrow but it never happens so although I know I want to go tomorrow I wont say I'm going until after I went so I'll let you know. So instead of the gym, around 6:30pm we left my place and went to have some dinner at some fancy restaurant.. we had entree (duck rolls) and a main meal and a few drinks!!!I didnt finish all of my main course which was calamari and chips and some salad but I know I had ALOT I ate even after I was full I kept feeding my face just to finish what was on my plate i suppose, I put handfuls of fries on B's plate but it didnt really matter, it made no difference, i stuffed my face with carbs until I really couldnt anymore, then I got sooo angry because we lingered around, sat and sat and sat until I knew it was too long after my meal to go purge, I got so mad, its kinda shocking that I got so upset all because I couldnt go to the bathroom to purge, thats really bad! hmm anyway so I suppose I had to keep it inside :( afterwards we went to see Piranha 3D.. LOL it was so cheesy, and that was my night, it was raining when I got outta the movies (so much for spring in Melbourne, apparently its going to be like this all weekend).

I got home bout 2 hours ago took 3 laxatives and will soon go to sleep, I weighed myself for the hell of it and another kilo has been added to the scales, I know its not like my proper weight because of all the food inside me right now but I feel so sick because of what I ate and another thing, for some reason I really wanted to smoke so B bought a deck, I havnt smoked in almost 2months now and I just fucked it up again! argh!
I'm so hopeless, I really cant wait to start my new diet, i hope it works good, I also need to go to the gym and stop making excuses. I also cant wait for my parents to go away, they're going to Hamilton Island for a week on the 18th til the 25th yay house to myself and my boy all week :)
Goodnight girls.

Lozz
xoxo