I have no idea if I'll have access to the Internet, Im going to Queensland (another State in Aus) just for a week to see some people, i dont even know them, Im going with my mum tomorrow morning until Wednesday of friday latest :( this really sucks argh!! my stepdad will be working and my lil brother has school so i guess seeing that i have no job and all, I'll be the one that's going along with mum... ARGHHH no gym either, this sucks.. no gym NO!! i I have my own room I could just do little things in my room but what if I have to share with mum or one of their kids they'll thinkIm a weirdo and i wont know the area so if I go for walks or a run i dont want to get lost.. OMG OMG OMG IM FUCKING PANICKING and I now for a fact we'll be going out for dinners and lunch & whatever else.. what am I going to do then?? i mean I know I can purge and all but I hate purging at other peoples places or public restrooms or restaurant toilets it just feels weird and wrong, I can do it without making too much noise but its still doesnt feel right, well its not right at all but I know Im going to need to do it.. and i'm supposed to be on the ABC which has been going so well for the past few days, this weekend was great I didnt go out with my friends on saturday so no high cal alcoholic drinks and then today I went over 100 by a handful of lite popcorn so that was ok I guess but GRRRR I'm so angry and annoyed right now.
and I'll miss B,things with him are better now btw he made it up to me on saturday night, cooked me dinner at home and it was awesome lamb chops with this amazing BBQ sauce and chips and salad.. of course I loaded my plate with salad, didnt add dressing and a small amount of chips with no tomato sauce and then the meat without extra gravy, then he came round with a fruit salad and a bottle of whipped cream or desert i ate a small bowl full without the cream then went to the bathroom while he was watching one of the dvds we hired, he had the surround sound going and it was really loud, think the movie was called ninja assassin or something so I thought ahh i dont have to be that quiet, he thinks I've stopped the purging, i decided to tell him that after he spoke to me about how much he loves me and i dont even need to lose weight cause he loves me the way I am but he will support me if i think i need to which i do so yea and just alot of other lovey dovey soppy love story kinda stuff hehe.. anyway I came out and everything was quiet, i thought he might have just turned it down but when I got out to where he was he was sitting there and I felt weird for some reason and he said I paused it for you" I said "you didnt have to you know but thanks" then he resumed the dvd and said out of nowhere bout 10 seconds later "I stood outside the bathroom door and listened to you throw up"..............................................................................................................I didnt know what to say, I felt so embarrassed and asked why and he said just cause you promised me you stopped and thats where it ended, i said nothing after that oh and he found my thinspo book too, in there i have lots of my thoughts on most pages about how fat I am, and.. I havent done this in like 2 years but.. I cut myself,not alot and not really deep but i did. i promised B I would never do it again a few months after we started dating but saturday I was so down on myself, like real real upset, I felt like I had nobody I dont know what was wrong with me I just felt so sad and emotional and everything I cried and cried and cried for hours, he asked me why and I had no reason I asked myself and had no reason only thing I could think of was FAT FAILURE, so he took me out 4 a drive to calm down we stayed out til 3am and came back to mine then fell asleep.
B thinks those diet pills I'm on makes me emotional, I mean yea I have mood swings when I take em but i dont think it makes me depressed or anything, Im just fat and gross and i see how much you guys all lose and stuff and how some of you can fast for days and days yet I cant even get through 1 day, I just think Il probably never get there, I know its bad to have negative thoughts but I cant hep it, I feel like I'll never be thin and that this summer,on new years my new years revolution will be.. yet again... i need to lose weight!
i cant believe I have to go to QLD, now at this time when I really need to focus and discipline myself I need to go away for a week to eat!
I feel like everything I do ends badly, restricting wise,blah i dont know Im just so upset at the moment, I know things will be ok, well I hope so.
So this will be the last post for a week unless I have access to a computer, i hope I do,otherwise Il be talking to you ladies soon, I've uploaded more thinspo on my ipod to keep me on track, some thinspo vids from youtube and some anamia music too. sorry if this post is extreamly long and depressing but i just felt like i needed to let it all out, to you guys that is. stay strong everybody, not weak like me :(
Lauren
xoxo
Losing weight has become my number one priority, its all I care about, its all I want,Its all I need... is to be skinny
My progress...
omg i feel the same way about exercising in front of ppl and that they might think im a weirdo.
ReplyDeleteyou're not weak dear, your just in a crisis, you're lucky to have a bf like that too and bulimia is very addictive and it takes a lot of will power and especially time to stop so dont think of yourself as a failure. youre not.
<3
I don't even know what to say right now. I'm happy to hear that B is being a lot nicer. It really sucks that he found your book and heard you in the bathroom. I hope you get computer access while you are away, hang in there sweetie and stay strong!
ReplyDeleteHang in there, hun! it's good B is there for you.
ReplyDeleteTry and have fun in Queensland. You could always go for long walks with your mum. I did that when we were down the shore last week. I was terrified I wouldn't get to exercise, but when we had nothing to do I asked Mum to come on a walk, so I could figure out where everything was while I had someone with me. Then the next day, I just went on the same walk alone.
I hope you have an awesome time!!
xxx